This is hard to write about.
I wrote something to the Gigsville list which made me cry really hard, so I'm not going to re-write it again because I'm just going to start crying again.... here it is:
I remember meeting Charlie at Twigsville and just being blown away by Cinnebar Charm. It was like the inside of my brain exploded when I saw that van. And of course, the chocolate martinis were amazing. He insisted I was a natural at Backgammon (He taught me), but I know he was just flirting. After that, I took his address everywhere I went and sent him postcards from everywhere. We loved talking... he was so crazy and sweet.
When he moved down here, we kind of lost touch (ironic that we were closer when he was in the bay area) because I was busy and he was out living my real fantasy life in 100% awesomeness, which made me feel guilty. Seeing him at the first Slab City trip was just amazing. His place is a work of art... every square inch. And Charlie was totally Charlie: great host, just letting everyone run like curious ants all over his place.
When my mom visited, we took the trek out there and visited him. I have always been proud to have him as my friend and wanted my mom to meet him and see his place.
I swore up and down I'd take a couple weeks off work and stay with him. But I never did.... there was never enough vacation days and so time has slid past... And now this news.
I can't express how sad I am. I feel like I let this amazing person slip out of my life thinking always I could just reconnect once I wasn't quite so busy... which was never.
And here I am, filled with regret... I usually don't live with much regret. I try to keep my Bigger Goals in mind and, as a result, I live pretty regret-free.
But here's this person. This really special person. This amazing artist and engineer and scientist and musician and poker player who I really loved. This amazing person who I kept meaning to go visit and stay with him and pretend for a little while that I wasn't doing my career thing in my cube life... that I was really out there with him doing his amazing thing.
But I wasn't and I didn't.
All the amazing friends I have... I lose touch with everyone. I don't visit Jet enough and I count him as one of my best friends. I haven't seen Amber in a year. I haven't even responded to Buck's email... but he's one of my FAVORITE PEOPLE. I think it's been four months since I've seen Plaid. Brian Fey, who was my best friend for years, hasn't heard from me in twice as long as we were friends in the first place. Vanessa's even mad at me right now and I haven't been able to connect with her about it. The list continues... there are so many amazing friends and yet it's impossible. The whole puzzle is impossible.
I don't know how to keep up.
I don't know how to deal with the overwhelmingness of the transitory nature of life.
I don't know how to deal with Charlie dying.
I don't know how to deal with the fact that I have only a handful of memories of him. And that's my fault.
I don't know how to deal with when someone great is gone.
* Credit to LCD Soundsystem for the title... somehow it just stuck in my head when I heard about Charlie's death.