So, I'm hustling to get ready for work... every morning feels like a new day (well, it should, right?) and I wake up all optimisitc that things will be fresh and new, and then throughout the course of the day, I get more and more discouraged until I go to bed crying.
It has been like this for weeks.
Well, not the crying part. That's more recent. But by and large, the days depress me from what I feel is a good, solid launch point into solid pathos in the afternoon and finally into complete despair by 8pm. Sometimes, I grab a bottle of wine and stave off the despair until 4 or 5 in the morning (when I wake up and lay there staring at the wall or the clock or the ceiling or my phone until it's time to get up), but I don't feel like that's an effective depression-relief strategy. So I try to keep that kind of thing to a minimum. I think it probably just makes things worse the next day, since I am then slightly hung over, sleep deprived, and starting the day from a less solid launch point. At which point it must go down further.
Allie, the writer of Hyperbole and a Half (my favorite blog), very accurately captured my feelings in this blog entry called Adventures in Depression.
And why? I am so blessed. I have an incredible fiancee who loves me with every fiber and dedication a human could muster and whom I love with paralleled intensity. I have a stable job that is neither menacing nor abusive. My friends are beyond belief amazing. I live in the biggest artist community in the world. I'm not grossly obese or malnourished. I have everything I could want, including a nice car and an animatronic pony. I'm on mood-stabilizing drugs to make me not feel like this.
Everything's amazing. I am not happy.
As is my general life philosophy, if things suck, do not continue to do the same things. Start trying new things -- anything -- to improve things.
I tried starting up this blog again. I stayed on a boat last week. That was amazing for two days (and intensely smelly for one after I changed boats), helped me realize that I love living in weird places, and left me $120 poorer. So, that did not work for more than temporarily. I tried purging all my clothes and slimming down my storage. That has left a huge mess in my dressing room (which I started putting away last night), but hasn't caused any actual improvement. I went for a walk yesterday afternoon and ended up crying on the walk because LACMA was closed (seriously? this is not a reason to cry, Norm.). I wasn't even sure I wanted to go in, but the fact that it was closed was a crushing blow. I have been listening to Wild, since it seems to be about a person who was similarly at sea (though she had more legitimate reasons). I had a long conversation with Russ last night and told him, weeping, why I was so sad. Or at least tried to. It was nice to feel like my partner is someone I can share these things with. This is ... new. I like it.
Today, I have downloaded Spontaneous Happiness from Andrew Weil and will slog my way through that on my commute. I'm bringing gym clothes with me to work in case I can drag myself to a gym after work today. (No, I don't belong to one. I'm going to see if I can get a month-to-month at LA Fitness. I've heard that exercise makes people happy (though haven't really experienced this), so I'll try that. At least it will probably help me sleep.)
Something will work. I believe that. I just have to figure out what it is and/or hunker down until the depression lifts.