I woke up this morning from a nightmare where I got fired from my job for some pretty legitimate reasons (in the dream... not anything I do in real life) and I realized I'm just not expecting the best from myself or most of the people around me. This made me pretty pissy at myself. Which of course ended up turning towards others...
First thing, I did my breathing exercise that Weill recommended. I wanted to see if I could clean my brain out before my thoughts got too far along. Then I made my bed, which is a habit that I started at the beginning of August. I've never been a bed maker in my life, but it seemed like a good habit to start. After that, I made breakfast and prepared to do my Theory chore (we have a chore wheel and part of me not expecting the best of myself is that I didn't prioritize doing my chores over everything else), which was cleaning the floor of the kitchen. I quite enjoy this task, since it's something that is quick and fun and that I can see the results of immediately.
But then I looked at the chore wheel to see what chore was next... and washing the floor wasn't my chore this week... in fact, it wasn't my chore since four weeks ago. But that actually wasn't true. It was my chore yesterday morning.
Someone had fucking spun the chore wheel and now I had a different chore, but I was already working on the floor. I had cleared out the room, swept, and filled the bucket with water. But this week, my chore is cleaning out the laundry room. Which is fine, except that I was already on my actual rightful chore.
Is this a big deal? No. It is not. Did it send me off my nut into an angry tirade on email? Oh yes it did. I sent this:
We agreed to use the chart wheel last house meeting, so I've been trying to do that. This morning, I started cleaning the kitchen floor (my task that I saw yesterday, which caused me to start the job today) was no longer my task. It's now the laundry room, which is literally on the other side of the wheel. Well, I obviously did not wash the floor yesterday when it was my task. It's still filthy, so I am cleaning it, what with art walk this weekend.
I hate cleaning and don't have any more time than the rest of y'all. It's demoralizing to feel like we're all getting our chores randomly. Remember how Rebecca never got "release the gays"? Well, that. It's up next for me this week and I don't care. I know I have shirked many chores here, so I don't want to have a gay release party.
Anyways, this is one of those little pissy things that makes people like me want to move out (it adds up if I don't say anything). I'd bring it up at the house meeting, but we're not having one. So I'm bringing it up here.
Stop fucking with the chore wheel. Do the chore.
Ps, yes, I'm cleaning the laundry room too.
This is my angry tirade. And it's my pissy tirade. I wish I hadn't sent the email, honestly. I didn't even realize how pissy it sounded when I wrote it, since I was working on a tiny little phone screen.
It isn't going to make any difference anyways. But it is yet another reason why I don't want to bring Russ into this household and why I personally want to extricate myself from it. I'm definitely not the cleanest person in the world, but cleaning up other people's messes or working around them is frustrating. I try to clean my own messes up in the common area (at least within 24 hours).
But that aside, I'm generally fighty this morning. I'm going to put on my new motorcycle boots and go into work and have a conversation with my supervisor about my performance (which I am frustrated with myself about). I want to produce more. I want to make things. I want to get shit done.
I do not want to put up with my own mediocrity. Not in my actions, not in my clothes, not in my attitude.
I want to excel in having patience with people around me, too. They hold themselves to their own standards and it is not my job to be the enforcer of those standards. It is not my job to speak for others or fight for justice for people who aren't me.
From this point forward today, I will be excellent and patient.
But I'll tell you... it's refreshing to care about something at all after the last several weeks of not giving a shit.